It's cloudy this morning and cool. The outside world from my window looks like a fairy tale will happen, but only because all fairy tales seem to happen in England or some other equally gray and misty place. The mists will part, and there will be a rose garden too wild, there will be a great bear, there will be a woman on the side of the road with a nose that is three ells long. Where are my seven-league boots? I must have left them somewhere and the walk to work today seems very long. I did not walk to work yesterday.
I love Tallahassee but I am tired of it and I believe it is tired of me. I wake up excited each morning to write, to feel the fall coming, and then I realize that I have nothing to say, and that the fall is the same as it always is and after that comes winter. It will be cold. I will wear a coat. I will walk the same streets I always walk. I will see people I know everywhere I go. I feel restless.
I know that it is not Tallahassee that is the problem, and that to live a good life one must do good things. I know that, I know that, and people will say do things differently and people will say try new things and all of that I know... and I know that really, people around here do not think of me very often. It is my own anxiety that I feel so exposed, and that everything I do is watched and judged. It's hard to feel free in one's hometown.
I suppose it's that I'm really not sure. That I want to change and I want a change, but I haven't decided what that will be yet. People ask me how I am and what I've been doing, and they are just being polite, but I am tired of being polite and I am tired of what I am doing and I really don't feel like talking about it.
Do you ever feel this way? Like nothing feels right somehow and everything you do is the same?
15 comments:
Well...you know I understand. Completely. And I move around and I'm STILL restless. I know it's internal -but what can you DO about it? I dont know. I really dont know.
It's nice to know sometimes that I'm not the only one feeling this way.
Lord do I feel ya.
The feeling comes and goes for me. Sometimes I feel like I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Other times, well... I fantacize about throwing everything in the car and buying a house in Detroit. And having the urge to write with nothing to say is depressing, to me.
I know exactly what you are talking about although lately- no- I have not felt that way and how could I? Life for me right now is rushing down a highway at speeds guaranteed to attract the state troopers.
I love you, Baby. You will figure it out with your beautiful mind.
I highly recommend change -- and while it might distress your mother, moving to a new place is awesome. Really. You're young -- you're gifted and beautiful. You could do it.
People think about you plenty, but I hear you. I know the feeling. If I think about it too much I find myself packing my bags and looking for matches.
SJ- Well. I do know you understand, and somehow knowing that you of all people (who have done so much) feels the same way, helps. Maybe I need to come up to D.C. and we can have that slumber party.
DTG- Do you realize today is the day we were supposed to leave? I flipped the calendar and saw the date. Sonuvabitch! And do not say pie cart! Pie in your eye!
Steph- Why Detroit? I would like to read that post from you. That would be a fun blogworld excercise- write about where you would live if you packed up and left right now. And yes, it is depressing to want to write and have the words not come.
Mama- I know. Your life is so full right now. After I read Kathleen's post I felt I should be embarrassed about this one, but it's almost the opposite. Kathleen is someone who lives and lives and lives and does so so beautifully and with such a great sense of adventure. Life is too short when you have so many people to love.
Elizabeth- Thank you for those words. I do worry about my family and they worry about me and then I worry about them worrying about me and all that gets us nowhere. And I do not feel young and beautiful, it's nice to hear someone say that. You're absolutely right about moving. I haven't done it in so long that it seems so difficult. A body at rest, and all that.
Juancho- Matches? We don't need no stinking matches! You have matches on your back porch, I saw them.
Hey May,
Before I say anything, I have to tell you how much I loved your guac! Ok, I've said it and I can move on.
I DO get what you are feeling. The crappiest thing for me is that everyone wanted to share their ideas of how I could handle it ("just enjoy the ride") or what I could do to change it..(too many suggestions to mention) And either I just couldn't get it up to do those things, or I was convinced it was futile. I HATED IT!
I still get the water color feelings around what I'm doing now... days running into each other, etc... not feeling as accomplished or fulfilled as I'd like. Also feel like I am judged for being a stay at home mom while we are on the brink of bankruptcy.
The feelings aren't as strong as they used to be and don't last as long. Not sure if that is age or what. I'd love to chat with you if you ever want to do that.
Big hugs to you!
xoxo m
I read an article somewhere that said you could buy a house in Detroit for $100 or something crazy like that. I started looking into it and I just find that place fascinating. Nature is taking it back. Parts of it, anyway.
http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2009/07/feral-houses.html
http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2010/06/more-feral-houses.html
May, I know what you mean, at least I think I do. I've had that restless ticking in the background all my life, and I've always been seeking and moving, until I settled in and had kids. I feel comfortable in my family, but in the world I have to move in, especially and oddly in grocery stores, I feel gripped by this depression - the sameness, relentless, inevitableness coupled with the fear that I might run into someone I'm supposed to know from school or somewhere and might have to make idle chit chat and worry about my hair or what I'm wearing or other self conscious nonsense, things I truly don't care about when it's just me and mine. I feel in my heart that where I live now, I do not belong. But I know I do not belong where I grew up either, so I ponder this geographic orphan life, wondering what more I should be doing while I still can, and wishing for more magic, though I guess I get my fair share.
I get crazy every fall, because winter is coming and the sameness of hunkering down, bundling up and trying to stay warm and sane until the thaw is draining.
I know this much: you are amazing, brilliant, intense, talented, perceptive and so much more. Maybe you just need the right serendipitious breeze to blow by and carry you toward something different and magical.
Sorry for blathering. You manage in so few words to tumble so many thoughts from me. Hope things start to feel right for you soon, you deserve as much.
I certainly don't have an answer for you, but I do know that when you find what you want to do (or even just get an idea of what that could be) I say go for it! Don't let anything hold you back, especially us or yourself. I do hope that you find something that challenges you and makes you feel happy and accomplished. You really are brilliant, young and beautiful and you could really do anything that you wanted. I know this about you.
And from one worrier to the next- try not to worry about us worrying about you. I don't worry about you. I've always known that you'll do what you need to do in your own time, in your own brilliant May way.
Complete change of subject- Wanna go lacy underwear shopping with me soon? hehe
I think I do know what you mean. I get bored with routine, with the same people, with drudgery.
It's funny because to me it seems you all live in such an exotic place.
I would recommend a change, too, but I will warn you: if you leave home for too long, it's hard to go back because no place waits for you and stays the same.
Joining the chorus of "man, do I feel ya." Maybe it is the times? They sure are a changin'. I am not happy where I am anymore. I thought it was my city, then my state, maybe this entire country. I want new scenery, new life. I wanna pack up my lady and my cats and drive and drive until I find a place that feels right rather than stifling and "safe".
You should go see places, May. I'd say come here and see Ireland but I've got no room to offer you. Go see Danielle!
almost every day dearheart. yip.
love your writing so much.
love the fairytale beginning. such imagination and description.
how frustrating to wake to a fairytale feeling and then sink back into same same same.
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